It is surprising how little we know and understand of who our parents are when we are asked to describe them. This can be quite confronting because most of the time we believe we know our parents well. Just like we tend to explain who we are through how we behave the only way we feel we can explain our parents is by describing their behaviour. However what we see and experience from our parents does not necessarily reveal the true nature of their personality.
The behaviour of our parents employ to deal with their own fears and insecurities are often cloaked with a veneer that gives the appearance of truth, justification and rightfulness. Their intent to love and care, to protect and teach is commonly present but so are their fears and insecurities. They carry the legacy of their childhood within them just as surely as the cells that make up their bodies carry the DNA from their parents.
When they become parents for the first time they are at the beginning of a brand new experience where living no longer just about them. As parents they have become responsible for a new life, which demands that it is given priority over their own needs and expectations. Their relationship with each other can already be a challenge due to the personal issues they brought into the relationship. The arrival of a child is likely to push these towards a crisis rather than make them disappear.
The presence of their child changes the dynamic of their relationship dramatically and while the arrival of a new life can be joyous it can also be emotionally difficult. The bio-chemical changes the mother went through during and after her pregnancy also have an emotional affect on her resulting in instinctive changes to her physical and emotional priorities in life.
The father would have been equally challenged by his new responsibilities and the emotional changes your mother is going through. He no longer felt the centre of her attention and adoration and her natural preoccupation with their baby could have made him feel excluded and rejected. Any or all of these new circumstances could have provided additional provocation to bring their pre-existing issues into the arena of their relationship.
Your own awareness of being present is experienced within a pre-existing emotional dynamic created by your parents. Your emotional engagement with this is also the first experience you have of yourself. The emotional mirror by which you will define your self is a reflection of the particular nature of that dynamic, exposed through the individual behaviours and attitudes of your parents. The impression made by their fears and issues will find a place in your mind just as surely as a foot leaves an imprint in the snow.
Even though theoretically it may appear that you have choice, your naïve and unsophisticated innocent mind has no option but to accept what it feels and experiences as the truth about itself. You try and ensure your emotional survival by accepting the emotional reality presented by your parents as the truth unaware of the consequences this will have on your future.
Who you believe you are right now is a direct result of your childhood experience even though you may not immediately recognize this. It may seem as if all of your behaviour, feelings and choices represent your true identity but if you act and behave out of any number of fears that is an illusion. You have been habituated into believing that parent’s fears and insecurities represent the truth of who you are. Reality is that your fears are a product of fear based inner programming and not representative of your authentic self.
For more information on this subject read
The Truth Of Love and Fear
by Rudy Eckhardt
Meta-Credo Pty Ltd