We cannot negate the emotional contribution we make to our experience of a negative event. Pre-existing negative belief systems can have the effect of intensifying a traumatic or sad event and taking it beyond the bounds of reality. Given that it is already extremely difficult to remain objective with oneself at the best of times, this becomes even more trying in the midst
of a traumatic event. Approaching grief from the perspective that part of the intense pain that someone suffers is a consequence of their own issues and not a direct product of the sad or traumatic event, will for many appear insensitive and uncaring. It is therefore best to look at the nature of your own being sometime after the event. Before you even start you need to know that the resolution of your personal issues will not take away from what you feel for someone. If anything by excluding the feelings created
by your issues, what you feel will be more authentic and truthful in relation to the person in question. Your grief will be exclusively about them and
not about them and you. Separating your personal issues from what is essentially a heart connection with others will facilitate a genuine emotional experience.
We are always the source for our own feelings and emotions and that includes pain and joy or any other negative or positive emotions. Our inner intent in concert with others and the world provide the landscape upon which we create events that are a reflection manifest our feelings. This is a natural and unchangeable part of our expression and creation of our life experience and is consistent with the concept that we are the creators of our own life
— consciously and unconsciously. The negative beliefs that form our sense- of-self determine the events and circumstances that create trauma for us
are obviously extremely varied from person to person. What is stressful for you is not necessarily stressful for others. Personal loss, being forced to move house, job-loss, and a relationship breakup, experiencing violence or loss of material wealth are just some of the many reasons why we can feel traumatised.
How any of these events can be felt — as an overwhelming disempowering experience, something we just deal with and get past or as an opportunity for personal growth — depends entirely on the state of our sense-of-self. If we lose or are rejected by someone who we are close with and rely on and we suffer from fear of abandonment and are dependent on others for our emotional security, the emotional trauma of this event will be extremely intense. Our sense of loss of the person will be combined with our fear of abandonment and the fear of having to face life alone. Our feelings will be out of context with the actuality of the loss because they are compounded by pre-existing fears.
Unfortunately, our own emotions feel genuine and real to us, confusing our sense of judgment when we try to understand the depth of our trauma. It is easy to believe that everything you feel is true because you accept that it is caused by the event and therefore you play no part in its creation or intensity. Tough as it may sound but those who believe they cannot survive the circumstances of an emotional or material loss, usually already have belief systems that make them vulnerable to this kind of event.
In extreme cases of loss through unexpected death for example, there is
no denying that the pain and suffering can be devastating. If you believe that your happiness and security in life is totally dependent on your partner, their sudden loss will create a seemingly unbridgeable gap in your existence. Obviously the traumatic event needs to be dealt with in its own right but how it will be processed and overcome depends largely on the state of mind of the individuals involved. They need to look within themselves — at the nature of their belief systems — and transcend their influence and limitations before they are truly ready to deal with their loss.
Someone with a harmonious sense-of-self will deal with emotional trauma very differently than someone who is needy, dependent powerless and so on. The beliefs they hold in relation to themselves, life, death and dying are from a point of self-power and eternal existence and this will help them to accept the journey of a departed and still continue the meaningful path of their own life. Whether one chooses to have a new relationship or a different direction in life or not, becomes a matter of choice and not a product of fear. Life does not have to become an ongoing journey of loneliness, misery and pain.
For more information on this subject, read: The Truth of Love and Fear.